Christine's Three Fathers � � � Thursday, Jul. 17, 2003 * 16:24

My mom's getting married tomorrow.

(cue groans and sighs)

This will be number three for the old gal. Number One took place before I hit the scene, to a guy named Fluff. He picked her and her friend up hitchhiking. She was seventeen, and my gramma gave her a choice; either take money for college, or take money for a nice wedding. My mom chose to marry her streetside buddy. I think it only lasted for a year or less. Imagine that.

Number Two was to my dear old dad, and that lasted all of 22 years, and included about a bajillion separations and left me scarred for life. Thanks, outstanding parental units! Done me good there!

They got divorced two years ago, and then my mom met Number Three in a bar. He turned out to be someone she knew when she was married to Fluff. He moved in with her and brought his son along, too. He's 19 and never comes out of his room. I went over to visit her recently, and wanting to meet the mystery guy, I insisted that he come out and talk to me. I was sitting on their back porch, and he stepped out underneath the really bright porch light, waved at me uncomfortably, and receded into shadow. I never saw his face, only the eerie glow of the outline of his personage, phantasmagorically shining in an unholy way. He immediately quarantined himself in his room again. I like to call him the Cave Troll.

Number Three himself is quite the prize. He works at a car dealership, gambles, drinks (which is such a good way to follow up my alcoholic dad), is bankrupt, and has a beer belly the size of Dom Deluise's head.

Let's have a moment of silence for my mother.

::crickets chirping::

The kicker to all this is that Fluff now lives in Malibu on a property worth over three million dollars and drives a Lamborghini.

My mom really knows when to fold 'em, and knows when to hold 'em.

What does all of this mean for me? It means I have to go buy a dress right now, so I can take pictures at the wedding tomorrow. It means I get to see the cave troll face-to-face. It means you should keep me in your thoughts on this forthcoming tragic day. It means that I, my mother, and my father will all now have different last names.

It means that I will have a father, a step-father, and a father-in-law, none of which exactly tickles my fancy, none of which has ever treated me like a daughter, none of which has ever even taken the time to get to know me.

What does a girl have to do to get a fucking DAD over here?