Christine Without Company � � � Saturday, Jul. 26, 2003 * 05:47

I've just spent hours (on-and-off, if you will) scouring the internet for places to make new friends, find people who will 'accept' and welcome me into their online communities. I am now looking back on this effort as somewhat ridiculous and fruitless. All my attempts to make friends in the past have failed, so why should this one work? Why would I want online friends, anyway? The relationships online always just die, falter, never blossom, or become stagnant.

Which brings me then to wonder if I will ever really know anyone else in that special, rewarding, comprehensive way. I know my husband this way. I am grateful for that. But why does it have to stop with him? Why can I not build friendships with others in this manner? Why can I build NO friendships? Why am I doomed to only go so far with people?

Clearly, it must be my fault. I am willing to accept that I put off some sort of "don't get close to me" vibe, or that I instinctively damage relationships before they become all-consuming. I am willing to face this flaw, if only I could pinpoint it. As far as I know, I've always done my best to make people at home with me, and to try and reach out to them in return.

I just want people to know me, to give me a chance. To really see all of me, and show me all of themselves. Not necessarily to accept me, but to take all of me in.

I want people to read this diary. It is hard to type these words sometimes, because I know that most of you who read this are friends in real life, but I write anyway, hoping that whatever I say will not banish me from your favor.

I want strangers to read this diary, too, though. Because for them, I can write unashamedly, and isn't that the best way to begin a friendship?

I guess I wouldn't know. I'll go to bed and cry now, since that's what I do best.