Christine's Old Stomping Ground Revisited Part I � � � Monday, Mar. 31, 2003 * 22:43

Last Friday night I drove myself to Reistersburg (Reisterstown for those not in-the-know) after work. I did this in order to pet Rachel's SisterSarah's baby, Caroline, or the Chinese Kitty for those in-the-know. I also wanted to go around and see some sights of yesteryear, but that turned out to be a mistake, and I'll tell you why.

To begin with, the drive there wasn't terribly good. I don't have the most experience driving, and even though I promised Justin I wouldn't, I drove on 95 and 695 and 795 and all manner of other highways. Great fucking job, Christine. I really didn't mean to disobey his wishes, but I couldn't help myself. Anyway, if you've never experienced the joy of navigating the 95/495 split in the midst of several hundred retarded people who are eating and talking on cell phones and taking pictures with their cell phones and toking up and generally not paying attention to the road in the driving rain and fog, well, I hope you someday do so you can understand where I'm coming from. Some dumb fuck goes flying past me from the left while I'm merging onto whatever I needed to be merging onto, so I layed into the horn like there was no tomorrow. Well, I thought, it can only get better. But, I promptly went into hysterics and slammed on the brakes when I noticed a small car full of Mexicans ( god bless 'em ) with nothing but parking lights on planted sideways in the middle of the lane. I shrieked and swerved insanely. I blared the horn again. All the people in the car started fussing and suddenly the emergency blinkers came on, and the car shot diagonally across two lanes and sideswiped a pickup truck. I maneuvered my blessed Altima, with its wonderfully responsive steering, around the whole scene and drove off to better things.

The rest of 95 was uneventful, as was 695, until I got stuck behind The Tow-Truck From The Great Beyond. I call it that because it came out of nowhere. I mean, I am very observant, and I never saw the mother fucker until it was all over me. I was driving in the next to rightmost lane, when suddenly this huge tow - truck goes rushing by on my right in one big hurry. Fine, I thought, be that way. But instead of being that way, he (or she, I'm all about tow - truck driving opportunities for women and minorities) passes me. What the hell is a tow - truck doing passing me? And on the right, no less? Once he/she/it got in front of me, he/she/it slowed to 45 miles an hour. On the beltway. I was fit to be tied. I couldn't do anything about it though, because there was nothing to be done. My exit was coming up. I pulled into the right lane and accelerated to 57 mph. I surpassed The Tow-Truck From The Great Beyond and laughed at my victory. I prepared to go around when suddenly, the son/spawn of a bitch revves ( how the fuck do you spell that shit anyway? ) the giant engine within and screams past me, at approximately 79 mph. I'm guestimating here. Just a guess. The Tow-Truck From The Great Beyond careened wildly away and took the exit for Liberty Road, came to a screeching halt in the middle of it, and then tried to signal its way back into traffic. Now what was that all about. I swear, I drive millions of times better than these people. I should teach driver's ed. I hope The Tow-Truck From The Great Beyond was sideswiped later by a carful of people of any race, nationality, or creed.

Once I got onto 795, I thought, it would all be smooth sailing. Perfect opportunity to see how fast my Altima could really go. Damn, I was thinking, I am the shit. I can go faster than fast. There were only about 2 other cars visible, and they were far away. I got in the left lane and started zooming like the bad ass that I am wont to be. I was really going fast, man. I got the car up to about 90, and once I got past the curves, to 95 or more. I turned up the stereo and started dancing around to Jimi Hendrix and lit a cigarette. I was in the fucking groove. I felt like a cross between James Dean and Cindi Lauper. Yeah, that cool. I started noticing a funny flashing light behind me and chalked it up to the blue lights on the Metro tracks I was driving past. But why would there be red and white too, and why would it be alternating, and what the HELL is that "woo woo woo" sound?

It doesn't take an idiot to figure out what a police car looks and sounds like when it's approximately two feet behind you, but it took me about 45 seconds.

When I did figure it out, my basic life functions shut down, and I'm pretty sure I felt my brain stem go numb. No more medulla oblongata. Then my heart decided to start a party where all the rest of my chest was not invited and meandered somewhere in the environs of the pit of my stomach while rapidly contracting around 200 times a minute. I didn't know what I was supposed to do in this situation, because the stinking copper was so close behind me that if I had slowed down he would have slammed into the back of my car. So, I did what any half-wit would have done in my situation. I started crying and went faster.

I'll just pause here so those reading can have time to laugh at me.

I don't know what happened, but the next thing I knew, through a stream of tears and mascara I watched in amazement as the copper went flying past me with his siren still sounding and took off down 795 at what had to be a speed of almost 120 mph. I was still in a comatose state, so I kept crying and expecting him (yes, or her) to stop up there and wait for me. I went faster so, I thought, "I can catch up with him and tell him I'm sorry!" I'm really not the brightest one sometimes. That bitch was long gone. I couldn't even see him anymore. So, I slowed down to a respectable speed and drove the rest of the way in the right lane, crying like a little schoolgirl and laughing at the same time.

What happens later is reserved for next time, so , um, tune in?