Judgment Now       01.08.05 * 15:15

It's possible that this is about to get incredibly boring and bitchy-sounding to anyone who does not know the idiot. I make no other claims about this, other than “I am at my wit’s end.”

Complaint #1: Breathing. Loud breathing. Breathing that can be heard across a 13-foot room. When last I checked, nose-whistling had stopped being high art as of the Renaissance. Panting is only acceptable during exercise, after climbing stairs, in regards to dogs and other perpetually-overheated mammals, and when induced by sexual activity. Panting / gasping should not be sustained while eating a dutch oven full of week-old pasta, watching 3 consecutive episodes of The King of Queens, nor even while sitting quietly in a chair and using a computer.

Suggestion: Seek medical attention at a faraway hospital.

Complaint #2: Attitude. Specifically, your tendency to be sarcastic about .everything., including a) who is on the phone and b) what time of day it is and c) whether or not you have paid the rent and d) whether or not you are being sarcastic. To another extent, your ridiculous aptitude for being able to be obnoxious even when not speaking; for instance, by handing someone something with a sigh forceful enough to shake down walls and eyes rolling so far back into their sockets that they might get stuck, or when coming into a room and seeing a favorite seat taken and deciding to slam your bathroom door and take six showers before coming back and sulking publicly for 4 hours. Also, if you say one more thing along the lines of “I’m taking the TV at 7” or “I need you to get out of my way at 9” in a gruff voice appropriate to a maximum security prison guard, you risk having your bones ripped out in one swift flick of my wrist and your eyelids cauterized.

Suggestion: Please become a monk and take a vow of silence and secrecy from society. Or, just move out.

Complaint #3: Theft and Inconsideracy. When you were told that you could have ‘some’ of my edible belongings, I expected that i) you would say thank you at least once and that ii) you would understand that some does not mean ALL. Instead, you continue to eat at least half of everything - if you find it appealing and if you don't you run your mouth about 'why we bought weird things - and you have never dreamed of offering monetary contributions in return. The greatest idea for you to mull over is that if only you had just said thank you and been sincere, and not been a rousing moron about the whole thing, I would have beamed at you and told you to eat / drink all you wanted. But since you ARE AND WERE a moron, I am going to instead mash you in the nads.

Suggestion: SOD OFF.